Tonight is the night. The night I come face-to-face with my reality. I am standing in front of the mirror and really looking at what I see. At the body I have not been taking care of these past six years. At the body that is carrying too much weight to add a healthy pregnancy to. At the body that I don't even recognize anymore in photos....who is that? Where did she come from?
I don't really need to take a 'before' photo...I have years of them. I've gained 60 pounds in the last six years. I moved away, worked 10-12 hour days, ate out 3 meals a day, indulged in rich Louisiana food, never took time to work out and drank coffee by the pot. I have plenty of 'before' photos.
But tonight, I am taking the last 'before' photo. From now on, I will only be an 'after'!!
Because if the mirror and the camera didn't hurt my feelings enough, the scale and the tape measure did the rest. When your fiance can joke that you both weigh almost the same, it's not funny. Not at all. Especially when you look at the scale and know this is the highest you have EVER seen it, despite a lifetime of weight struggles. Despite everyone always saying things like "You don't look that big" or "You carry weight so well" or "It's all in your boobs - you're lucky." Seriously. Those things are not compliments and do nothing for ones self-esteem. And I can hear them all echo in my head as I look down at the digital numbers in red between my toes.
So tonight I am putting my cards on the table. No more hiding, no more denying, no more lying. You may think I am crazy, but I want to be accountable and honest and real. So this is my method, my madness. Tonight, I post my starting weight and measurements. And each week, I post an update. And keep my fingers crossed those digits go down and I don't have any reason to look for a hiding place any more.
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